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Nope ... still no zombie attack

OPINION

  • "The Walking Dead"
"The Walking Dead"
June 12, 2012|By Daniela Garcia, For RedEye

Unpopular opinion of the day (or possibly the year): I hate zombies. A lot. I know I'm probably in the minority, but I've never understood why the brain-eating undead have such a huge fan base.

In fact, I have a weirdly irrational fear of zombies that I can't really explain. They just freak me out, OK? And I can deal with the fact that zombies are a big pop culture staple these days, but lately I've reached my breaking point. I can't stand idly by while everyone keeps joking about an impending zombie apocalypse because a recent slew of events supposedly indicate the end is nigh.

It all started off strangely enough. A few weeks ago, a crazed man in Florida was found literally chewing on another man's face. (Side note: Pictures of the victim post-attack have circulated on the Interwebs, and I would recommend not looking at them because those images will haunt your dreams.) While authorities have linked the attack to so-called "bath salts" narcotics, this event is what triggered the first whispers of zombie-like attacks.

And it didn't stop there. A few more people who also may have been high on bath salts or some other kind of drug (or were just plain crazy) started to partake in random acts of attempted and alleged cannibalism. Not long after the Florida face-eating case surfaced, a man in Baltimore was accused of killing his roommate and eating his heart and portions of his brain. Then another man in Florida threatened to eat police officers.

Things started to get really out of hand when major news networks jumped on this bizarre bandwagon, reporting about each incident and tossing around the term "zombie apocalypse"—as if THAT wouldn't freak out the general public. Throw in a couple of random incidents involving possible quarantines and suddenly the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention felt compelled to write a note to Huffington Post confirming that zombies aren't real.

This is where I have to draw the line. You know things are getting ridiculous when the government has to assure us the undead are not rising in hot pursuit of our delicious brains.

Now, cannibalism is frowned upon in most societies, including ours the last time I checked. I would like to think that most people would acknowledge that these random, unrelated events are tragic and unfortunate, but there's still a group of zombie fanboys who apparently want to believe this all means the world is about to end at the hands of the undead. Why?!

Bad news, guys: Zombies exist only in the movies, TV shows and books you all seem to be so obsessed with. If any other random attack occurs, just accept the fact that it's a coincidence and nothing more.

The potential survival skills we've all learned from watching "The Walking Dead"and every George Romero movie ever will do us no good because the zombie apocalypse is NOT going to happen. Stop trying to make it happen. And lay off the bath salts.

DANIELA GARCIA IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.

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