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Cubs are one injury away from being hilarious

June 11, 2012|By John Dooley | For RedEye

They kick and scream. They shout for help from the minor leagues. They can't deal with the pathetic display before them.

"They" are the majority of Cubs fans.

Watching games has been more painful in 2012 than in any other year, they say.

Psha! Sometimes I wonder if these fans have had their memories erased.

I agree—this team is horrible. However, people need to understand that this starting lineup consists of players who would be lucky to find the bench on a pennant contender. OK, on any other team not named "Padres."

Plus, this team is lacking one trait to lock itself into Cubs lore: the ridiculously stupid injury.

Why would I want this as a Cubs fan? Simple: If it's gonna be bad, why not root for it to get comical?

If the real prospects won't be here for three to five years, let's get bad! '62 Mets bad. '88 Orioles bad. 1899 Cleveland Spiders bad. (OK, I lost you there. Trust me, they were bad.)

You know the type of bad where you see rundowns end in catastrophe? Dropped pop-ups? Shortstops forgetting how many outs there are? (Wait, strike that—already happened)

The one thing we haven't had this year is a freak injury, and a horrible season without ridiculous injuries is just another blah season in Cubsland.

What gives?! This is an organization whose catcher cut his hand on a table saw. Dickie Noles punched his hand through a wall during a bar fight. Mike Harkey tore his rotator cuff while doing cartwheels during batting practice. Kerry Wood slipped getting out of a hot tub. Steve Trout missed two starts after falling when getting off—wait for it—a STATIONARY BIKE. For crying out loud, shortstop Billy Jurges was shot by his girlfriend in 1932!

Can't Reed Johnson accidentally light himself on fire? Can't Alfonso Soriano pull a groin playing hacky-sack? We can only hope.

So while you complain about the ineptitude of these Cubs, remember: It could be worse. And more important, why wouldn't you want it to be? Let's have some fun!

John Dooley is a RedEye special contributor.

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