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  • "GoldenEye 007"
"GoldenEye 007"
June 05, 2012|By Ernest Wilkins, RedEye

Remember on "The Simpsons" when Helen Lovejoy would yell, "Will someone please think of the children?" Apparently the folks over at Facebook were listening.

The Wall Street Journal reported this week that the social networking giant is developing a way for children under 13 years old to use the service that won't open them up to being skeezed on by pervs.

I'm pretty annoyed by this development, but not for the reasons you think. See, it's kind of crappy that all my current Facebook friends weren't around to witness my entire development. I mean, my LiveJournal still is out there somewhere I think (my condolences to anyone who takes the time to find it—it was horrible), but being able to broadcast my mundane existence to a wide audience when I was a young warthog would have been amazing!

To remedy this, I dug up some important moments from my life that I think would have made for some legendary Facebook status updates. Enjoy! (And don't thank me. I do this for the streets.)

March 20, 1994: Dad bought me the Hammer album and "Shaq Diesel" on the train! Pumps and a bump!

June 17, 1994: Who the hell is O.J. Simpson?

Dec. 13, 1994: My mom is the worst! Grounded for ordering videos off of the Box ... she doesn't understand me!

1995: [Almost every lyric from the songs "Thuggish Ruggish Bone."]

Oct. 31, 1996: Wish I knew how to footwork. : (

March 23, 1997: YOU GUYZ, WRESTLEMANIA 13 tonight! Stone Cold Steve Austin and Nation of Domination for lyyyyyyyfe!

Aug. 25, 1997: Big Fat Paulie got "GoldenEye 007" for N64! Bout to be at the house playing all night!

[Status not updated until 1999 because all I did for two years was play "GoldenEye"]

Aug. 14, 1999: "Like" this if you're a Cash Money Millionaire who's looking for a hot girl LOL

Sept. 1, 1999: Harry Potter is for losers.

Dec. 31, 1999: Man, white people sure are worried about this Y2K thing. LMAO!

Jan. 1, 2000: WILLENIUM!!!!!!!!

Sept. 11, 2001: [If we're being honest, I probably would have posted something really misguided and ignorant. Probably.]

June 26, 2002: Thanks for the b-day wishes everyone! I'm just happy the Bulls drafted Jay Williams! We're about to be back on top, baby!

June 1, 2003: High school is OVAH! Can't wait to get out of college and make my big-time $$$$$$$$!

So there you have it, a brief sampling of my history via status update.

NOTE: If you're bugging out about kids getting on Facebook, take the usual precautions (maximize your privacy settings, don't friend people you don't know, etc.) or do what I do and institute your own age restriction. My little cousins are banned from my Facebook until they turn 18. After that? All bets are off. Technology: Can't stop, won't stop.

ERNEST WILKINS IS CHICAGO'S WINGMAN. ERWILKINS@TRIBUNE.COM | @ERNESTWILKINS

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