While the entire Internet is preoccupied with talk of a real-life zombie apocalypse and freak cannibalism, I have some other concerns about what's about to land in our very own front yards this weekend: street fest-goers, aka sweaty trixies and bros, hula hoop girls and under-21'rs looking for any excuse to drink on concrete. So fun!
With Do Division Street Festival in Wicker Park and Maifest in Lincoln Square coming up this weekend, it's pretty much official. Street fest season is in full swing.
With it comes flashbacks of last summer, when I attempted to attend as many festivals as I could every weekend. That lasted a whole three weeks until I realized my paycheck couldn't support such an extravagant lifestyle, but I definitely learned things along the way.
My total expertise now established, I have a few ground rules for not behaving like a degenerate during fests that I'd like to discuss. Let me know if I missed anything?
1) If your hula hoop enters my personal space, I will not hesitate to go apocalyptic Miami zombie on that thing. Find a corner and stay out of everyone's way.
2) If you live in the neighborhood, pay the freaking entrance fee. It's a donation, yes, but you're a human being. Do the right thing for your 'hood.
3) Go ahead and order that bucket o' fries. And that corn dog. And a funnel cake. And nine beers. And consume them under a beating sun. YOLO!
4) When you do that, try to stay within arms reach of a trash can and away from my shoes. You'll need it.
5) Dudes, if you're going to go bareback, er, topless, at least do a zit-check first, OK?
6) Ladies, if you're going to pretend that bikini tops are clothes, develop a buddy system for your partners-in-cleavage-crime. Nipple check every half-hour or so?
7) Wet wipes! Pro tip from my co-worker: Those hand sanitizer stations by the portable toilets aren't going to cut it after you hit the cotton candy stand.
8) Look, we all know that nobody is going to buy the bizarre monkey statue made out of soap. Do the booth artist a favor, though, and don't get her hopes up by playing with it and getting your grubby hands all over it.
9) No, you cannot have a bite of my nachos. Who are you, bro?
10) Everyone is just trying to have a good time. You know how that works? When you make sure your good time doesn't destroy someone else's good time. Respect.
Jessica Galliart is RedEye's social media lady.
firstname.lastname@example.org | @jessicagalliart