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Now this is speed dating

May 16, 2012|By Jason Steele, For RedEye

How far are you willing to go for a hookup? I mean literally—what distance? Ride a few stops on the "L"? Drive to the 'burbs? Roll over?

How about jump in your car and drive 111 mph while ignoring streetlights and stop signs? Well that's exactly what one 21-year-old Naperville man was charged with doing last month on the South Side.

"He stated he was going fast because he was trying to go have sex with a girl he likes," a police sergeant hilariously told Trib Local.

Either this guy hadn't had sex in a looooong time or he is a quick shot and was afraid he might pull the trigger in the car all alone, if you catch my drift. This "girl he likes" must be smokin' hot because most guys I know aren't even willing to leave the back room at the bar to get it on. (Of course, with some gay bars, they don't even need to.)

The only way I am jumping in a car and speeding to have sex with someone is if Hugh Jackman calls and says he's having a naked party with Chris Evans, Tim Tebow and the Hemsworth brothers—and even then I'd simply hop in a cab and say, "Step on it." I don't think I'd be dumb or horny enough to risk being arrested and thrown in jail for driving like a randy maniac.

In fact, the farthest I have traveled for some "horizontal refreshment" was in college, when I took a 40-minute bus ride to a prearranged meat-'n'-greet. And that was before Grindr, so I had a day or more of coordination to get my travel plans situated. Even now—if I were single—I wouldn't drive too far or too fast for some junk-bumpin'.

Does that make me a lazy lover? No. It just means that gas prices are really high right now.

Let me give the horny boys a piece of advice: SLOW DOWN!

I believe it was the Pointer Sisters who sang about wanting "a man with a slow hand," not some guy in a "heated rush." I had no idea what that meant when I first heard it, but I assumed then, as I do now, it means: Keep your hand off the gear shift and drive slow.

(The Pointer Sisters also sang a song called "Automatic," which I guess also is about not driving with your stick shift in hand. I don't know ... I never paid much attention to Pointer Sisters lyrics because they all seemed to be about cars.)

If this kid is this fast in the car, how fast is he in bed? It doesn't matter now, and there's a lesson here: Because this horny driver didn't take is slow, he experienced coitus interruptus and presumably didn't have sex with anyone that night—unless he took a liking to an amorous inmate at the county clink.

JASON STEELE IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.

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