'Avengers' So Totally Unrealistic

May 07, 2012|Stephen Markley

I have bad news about the new Marvel Comics blockbuster “Avengers”: it is a totally unrealistic film. After seeing it on Saturday while sitting behind, in front of, and next to every annoying four-year-old in Chicago, I went home and immediately began to compile a thorough, unreproachable fact-check list of the errors that riddled the film. Some of these are unbelievably egregious, and I’ve listed the worst offenders below.

1) There is no such thing as a Tesseract.

The film’s central premise is that a group of superheroes must stop an evil alien-god named Loki from using a cube called the "Tesseract" to open a portal across space and let in an alien army. What writer/director Joss Whedon failed to look up on Google, however, is that a “device that can cut a hole in space” doesn’t actually exist. As in, no such thing. Not real. A load of crap. Yet this so-called “Tesseract” can also supposedly supply unlimited sustainable energy for earth? How? Why? Even presuming such a device existed, what’s on the other side of space that’s a sustainable energy source? Doesn’t make sense!

2) Captain America, Iron Man, and Thor cannot all be equally strong.

Physical impossibility! Captain America was a super-soldier created by a drug in the 1940s. He wields a shield made with 1940s technology that can somehow withstand a blast from Thor’s hammer—a piece of alien technology so advanced that it appears to be magic to human observers? Even Tony Stark in his genius robot suit would still be several centuries of technological advancement away from competing with a hammer that can make people fly by spinning it around real fast. Therefore, what should actually happen in a scene where Thor fights Iron Man and Captain America is Thor’s hammer would turn Captain America’s head into jelly, then he’d beat Iron Man to death inside his suit, and that would be it—not that they would all have some scuffle and everyone’s fine afterwards. Makes no sense!

3) An aircraft carrier that can fly would be a huge waste of taxpayer money.

Even in the age of the vast military-industrial complex, what are we doing building aircraft carriers that can fly? Isn’t the whole point of an aircraft carrier to patrol the oceans? If the military needs to transport human cargo, let’s put them on a plane that doesn’t require more fuel than any other mode of transportation in human history just to stay aloft. Total nonsense.

4) What supranational body is making decisions to nuke New York City?

At the end of the film, S.H.I.E.L.D is told to drop a nuclear bomb on New York City in order to close the portal to the other side of space, but who is this shadowy cabal of, um, three people always talking to Nick Fury and ordering the peacetime use of a nuclear weapon? What extra-judicial powers do they have anyway? Under what democratic authority do they operate? And in our growing security state, how is S.H.I.E.L.D allowed to tap into every computer and phone in the world in order to locate its intended targets? Even the Patriot Act doesn’t allow that. The ACLU would crush this S.H.I.E.L.D. garbage before it even got off the ground. Don’t buy it!

5) Why the hell would you want a guy on your superhero team who just shoots a bow and arrow?

There’s a character named Hawkeye whose entire special ability is that he’s mastered a weapon that England used to conquer William Wallace and the Scots about 800 years ago. Let me get this straight: you have a team consisting of a massive monster that can’t be hurt, a steroid-fueled supersoldier with an invincible shield, a man in a futuristic flying combat suit, and a demi-god, and we’re going to add a guy who can shoot a bow and arrow? Why? For what? Would we send a clown like that to Afghanistan? Hell no! So why are we sending him to fight an alien army armed with what appear to be bionic hoverboards of some sort. You’re telling me there’s not one alien fighter who can outwit and slaughter some pretty boy with a bow and arrow? Total, utter, illogical, unrepentant B.S.!

6) How did New York City get rebuilt so fast?

Ok, so a few terrorists knocked down two buildings over a decade ago, and the building that's going to take the place of those towers is still not completed. Yet in the last frames of the movie, after New York has been demolished by aliens and Avengers, we see a crowd of cheering New Yorkers standing in front of all kinds of not-rubble. Not buying it!

Better luck with "Avengers 2", guys. Maybe next time you should look up the melting temperature of steel or any of the other thousands of things you jerkoffs got wrong. Stupid Hollywood.

RedEye Chicago Articles
|
|
|