The setup: After filing for bankruptcy, Nadya Suleman, aka Octomom, told CNN she'd be open to doing a porn film to pay the bills.
Quit lying to the people, Wilkins. You know damn well you and everyone else in the country will watch this, not because it piques any sexual desire, but because it belongs to history: the absolute nadir of our culture. We are obliged as Americans to view it.
A woman who got famous because she insisted on giving birth to eight children and then subsequently went bankrupt, only to decide to settle her debts by appearing in pornography will pretty much summarize the early 21st Century for historians. Our grandchildren will take seminars on this video.
What could come along that could possibly top this? Robert Pattinson's colonoscopy live-streamed? A Chris Brown instructional video on being a good boyfriend? No, this is the bottom of the abyss, the ultimate intersection of our waning attention spans, pornography fever and celebrity obsession.
This will be a cultural artifact that, should aliens stumble upon the charred remnants of our world thousands of years from now, will lead them to turn to each other and say, "Wait: She had eight progeny via self-insemination and this was, for some reason, interesting to the masses? And why, therefore, would they wish to view her copulate? This civilization bewilders me."
REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR STEPHEN MARKLEY IS THE AUTHOR OF "PUBLISH THIS BOOK." REDEYECHICAGO.COM/MARKLEY
Sorry, but there's no way in hell I'm trying to watch Octomom double-click her mouse on tape. She actually isn't bad-looking, but the public's overall ... how do I say this ... thirst for the whole endeavor is what turns me off.
She did some light crowing in the past about not setting a bad example for her small army of kids, yet she has no issue redacting that and posing topless when a magazine throws her a few coins (as she already has). The move is a giant cry for attention.
Another beef: Her rationale for doing this is to get money to keep her house. According to her bankruptcy filings, she's about $1 million in debt. Wait a second here. You're a million in the hole (no pun intended) and your first immediate thought is "PORNO!"? People do all kinds of jobs to pay the mortgage and live debt-free, and most of them don't start with "blow" or "hand." Also, if I have to watch a G-list celebrity pleasure herself, can it not be the G-list celebrity whose only claim to fame is birthing 14 human beings?
I will agree that reality stars—no matter how obscure—always will garner interest when it comes to porn. I'd like to offer a solution. Here's a small list of pseudo-famous women I'd rather see do porno than Nadya Suleman: Wendy Williams, Cloris Leachman, Linda Hogan, the auctioneer's wife from "Storage Wars" and Jocelyn Wildenstein (Google that last one).
ERNEST WILKINS IS CHICAGO'S WINGMAN. ERWILKINS@TRIBUNE.COM | @ERNESTWILKINS