Why aren't you offended yet?

OPINION

  • Wilco sucks! Or do they?
Wilco sucks! Or do they?
April 25, 2012|By Ernest Wilkins, RedEye

There's something to be said about a good argument, isn't there? It gets the blood boiling and has been keeping bars and barbershops lively for a long time now.

Even—gasp!—the Internet likes to stir it up from time to time. On Monday, thedailybeast.com dropped its list of The 13 Most Useless College Majors. (That grunt you heard was the collective outrage of a lot of grads—a group that likely included many of my co-workers. Journalism was No. 8 on the list.)

While that story cited some stats, some people will say just about anything to spark outrage. Well, I'm no fool—I see where this ship is going ...

I'd like to announce that this column doubles as the ultimate checkmate. Presenting: The 20 Most Controversial Things I Could Think of Off the Top of My Head When I Wrote This.

(Disclaimer: The beauty of being controversial, of course, is that you don't even have to believe the stuff you say, as long as it generates page views for your website. So if you think any of these are about you ... they are, punk!)

1. No one outside your immediate family cares about you, what you do for a living or where you went to college.

2. People who say "My friends and I should totally be on a reality show" usually are the most boring people.

3. He/she broke up with you because you were a nag/not an alpha male. Shut up/Nut up.

4. Whatever your body image is = not good.

5. Bears suck.

6. Cubs suck.

7. Sox suck.

8. Bulls suck.

9. Wilco? Snoozefest. Seriously. Ditto Radiohead.

10. Chicago has a severe deficiency in one or more of the following areas: culture, good food, vegetarian options, hot women, hot men, fashion sense and general odor.

11. Both Savannah and Boston have betterSt. Patrick's Day celebrations than Chicago.

12. President Obama both loves and hates America, working people, soldiers, babies, cats, dogs and the show "CatDog."

13. Mitt Romney and everyone at Fox News are super-neo-meta-hyper-conservative fascist goons who all sound like Dr. Claw from "Inspector Gadget."

14. I want all my gay homies to be able to get married, but only if they don't have abortions or threaten the sanctity of prayer in schools.

15. That douchiest Chicago bar list Complex Magazine came out with a few weeks ago? ALL TRUE.

16. Black people.

17. WHITE PEOPLE!

18. The suburbs are great and definitely are not filled with the exact same five restaurants and people who still listen to Disturbed.

19. Chicagoans drink too much!

20. Chicagoans don't drink enough! (Ya pansies.)

Did it work? Are you enraged? Are you going to call the office and suggest—nay, demand—that I be given the bum's rush and replaced with another Markley column? GOOD. That's what I want.

Now come give me a hug.

ERNEST WILKINS IS CHICAGO'S WINGMAN. ERWILKINS@TRIBUNE.COM | @ERNESTWILKINS

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