"RuPaul's Drag Race" season four -- finale shocker (Logo )
Spoiler alert: I am pissed.
More pissed than if a winner had actually been announced on last night's "finale" of "RuPaul's Paul's Drag Race" and it wasn't Sharon Needles?
You see, the biggest problem is that there's a reason they call an episode a "finale." It's because it's the FINAL-e episode.
And they'd already teased to something in the reunion -- we were supposed to be told what in the holy hell Willam did to be kicked off the show.
There was ALREADY a bullshit teaser, something we were unfairly denied in an earlier episode to make sure we tuned in.
Now we have to watch (we were already going to watch!) to get what we should have gotten this episode: a winner.
There was ALREADY a filler episode last week, in which we were subjected to unaired footage and audition videos.
I do not need more filler.
This whole undertaking was shady, ladies. I've come to the point where I can say that I no longer trust RuPaul to give us the respect we deserve.
I write the rest of this recap under protest and to passive-aggressively get my point across, I'm considering doing a really bad job. Take that, LOGO!
When the final three enter the workroom after Latrice Royale's elimination, we're treated to a bit of "Star Trek" humor.
"Resistance is futile," they say in robotic voices.
The Borg has never been so fierce, y'all!
When Ru appears in SheMail to introduce the challenge, it's clear it will be another acting/video combo as in past finales. This season, the contestants will work on a video for Ru's "Glamazon" video, requiring them to dance, act and style themselves.
You would be forgiven if you expected, at this point in the show, that a winner would be announced at the end. But you would be wrong.
Candis Cayne teaches the queens choreography and tells Sharon, "it doesn't have to be pretty. Thank God."
Don't you step to my Sharon, Candis! Don't do it!
Sharon struggles and I start to get a little concerned, but soon it's time for acting with the freaky, Grizzly-Adams-looking director Mathu Andersen. There's more trouble afoot for Sharon, who can't seem to get the dancing.
Everyone's annoyed with her and she's annoyed with herself.
The chickadees return to the workroom to find a lipstick note urging them to go to the other room, where they find season 2 and 3 winners Tyra Sanchez and Raja.
Raja and Chad Michaels are friends and have a quick cry and hug upon seeing each other.
Then each of the ladies are sent in to meet with Ru, Chad first.
It's tearjerker time!
Chad has daddy issues.
Phi Phi has serious daddy issues.
Sharon has boyfriend issues.
Meanwhile, the past winners run lines with the contestants and do the get-to-know-you chat.
Chad comes to the realization that she might have been a little hard on Phi Phi O'Hara. Once they're back in the workroom getting ready, Chad apologizes and brings both herself and Phi Phi to tears.
"We really are sisters," Phi Phi O'Hara says.
When it comes to shooting the video, there's a lot of slapping, plenty of punching and a little bit of wrench-throwing.
But first, Mathu threatens to kill a little dog if they screw up the filming.
Like I said, weird.
Anyway, blah blah blah video acting and finally we're at the runway.
No guest judges tonight, it's just Santino Rice and Michelle Visage, boobs-out.
Chad goes Barbarella Versace for her finale showing. It's cute and powerful, but maybe too perfect? What does that mean, too perfect? I don't know. Maybe the judges have just said that so much that I'm starting to believe it, but there is something a little "been there, done that" about Chad's drag. It's the perfect embodiment of drag, but there's nothing shocking about it.
Speaking of shocking, Sharon serves up her traditional strangeness in a mutant-blonde-tentacle-fingered lady outfit. She's like a supervillain up there on the runway. Anyone who can't see that Sharon is exactly what she said, the "future of drag," is blind.
And apparently some of the judges are blind, because they think Phi Phi's pink cheetah bathing suit is somehow what's next in the drag queen world. Look, I love a Chicago girl as much as the next"Drag Race"fan, but Phi Phi is no more futuristic than Alexis Mateo. Who, incidentally, Phi Phi could learn something from.
The video further shows that Sharon, who's funny and real, is head-and-shoulders above the other queens. Chad's a pro and Phi Phi's hungry but Sharon is the star.
"Sharon's even beyond Lady Gaga," Santino says. Yep.
When Ru announces that all three have to lip sync for their lives, my antennae go up but I'm still expecting a resolution. Sure, there's no need for all three to lip sync, I think, but maybe they're having some fun and playing with the format.
Where I'm sitting, it's so obvious that Sharon's the winner that when Ru gets up to hand out first prize, I literally know she's going to say Sharon's name.
Then, everything falls apart.
Ru, for some reason, announces that the winner won't be named until the reunion. My heart falls. I have been tricked! By Ru!
I trusted you, RuPaul!
This is some ish.
Join us next week, if you're not too annoyed with the show's machinations to watch the reunion.