Mega Millions (Getty Images )
All I had were a dollar and a dream.
Last Friday, I bought me some Mega Millions tickets. I mean, once the jackpot reaches over $500 million, it's worth my time. Mama didn't raise no fool. Over half a billion dollars ... we're talking Oprah status here.
So that morning, I was on my knees praying to Lucifer. I wore my "winning" tee with Charlie Sheen's face printed on it for good luck. I just needed to rub the nose of a famous statue to complete it all. Yep, big money, baby.
They say you are more likely to die on the way to buying the ticket—and get struck by lightning three times—than actually win Mega Millions. Huh. So I bought $50 worth of tix figuring my odds should at least be better than getting hit by lightning! (Oddly enough, a Kansas man was struck by lightning just hours after buying three Mega Millions tickets, proving you really are more likely to be struck down than win the jackpot! But hey, now that that's out of the way, time for dude to win, right?!)
So I'm back at work this morning (sucker), but lemme tell you, had I won, you sure as hell wouldn't be reading this. I'd be too busy buying a tiger and Matthew Fox. I would open 600 Chase accounts and buy Justin Bieber (how much does that kid cost, anyway?). Maybe even throw Kim Kardashian another wedding!
Actually, maybe it's better that I didn't win. Now I don't have to change my phone number. (I already have some people looking for me, plus mom FINALLY memorized my cell number!) I don't have to deal with friends begging for cash outside my house. I won't get calls from random teens claiming I'm their mom. I don't have to update my Facebook status to "I just won the lottery" and not be lying. I don't have to worry about being slain by family members (shut the blinds, huddle in a corner in the fetal position, do not speak to anyone without an attorney). And ladies, we know no amount of money can turn a cute guy straight. (That just might be the worst one.)
So, who ordered the lotto McMess? Mirlande Wilson, who works at a McDonald's in Maryland, claims she holds one of the winning tickets. Well, on second thought—and after telling her confused co-workers that her "winning" ticket was from her personal stash and not from the batch she purchased with money pooled from employees—maybe she didn't win. "I don't know if I won. Some of the numbers were familiar. I recognized some of [them]," she told the New York Post. Talk about a Hamburglar.
The more I think about this whole Mega Millions deal, the more freaked out I get. Someone else really needs to handle all this money. Greed. Corruption. Who needs it?
But here's the thing: After crunching some numbers, it turns out my chances of winning the Mega Millions jackpot are STILL better than the Cubs winning the World Series this year. Dang. I can't have that hanging over my head. So, who's down for combining the Powerball with the Mega Millions into one super lottery?
DORIS DADAYAN IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.