Time for the annual baseball season preview. Let's start with … wait. It's too painful. We'll put it off another week due to breaking news.
Devin Thomas, welcome. You were an underachieving wide receiver with Washington. However, this is Chicago. We are geniuses at taking underachievers and keeping them underachieving. (Marion Barber. It's true). However, you're a tall receiver and I'm all for it. So now it's Brandon Marshall, Thomas and Earl Bennett. Not a smurf to be found anywhere! Now that's progress! Sorry, little people. It's the new NFL.
Matt Forte's contract. Watch the mouth, Matt. I've always loved you, but again. YOU ARE AT EXACTLY THE AGE WHEN RUNNING BACKS START BREAKING DOWN. It's a harsh, harsh business. I know it stinks. Take the franchise tag, be quiet and get paid next year. And pray you don't get hurt. As for the new guy, welcome him. Believe me, we're going to need him.
Illinois basketball. Yes, they got their man after two smarter, more attractive girls turned them down at the spring formal.
Lesson 1) Don't panic. Oftentimes, teams accidentally end up with the right guy.
Lesson 2) Heck yeah! Panic! Shaka Smart, Brad Stevens, no one has the stones to come here and play big? Have we become that wimpy as a species? Screw the AAU coaches! Walk up to them, shake their hands and introduce yourself. It's called salesmanship and you have to start somewhere.
Anyway, it's John Groce from Ohio University (famous alum: Matt Lauer). At first I thought it read "Jim Croce" and thought if I could put "Time in a Bottle," I'd go back and back up the truck for Bill Self.
Interesting. References to pop culture and time travel in one sentence. It's a fascinating modern age we live in.
Anyway, give him a chance, local kids, coaches and parents and whoever else brokers these things. He may actually be a good coach. And if he's as good as we think, he'll move on to coach UCLA one day!
Tune in next week for the baseball preview but for health reasons, I suggest you don't.
Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.