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'RuPaul's Drag Race' recap, episode 9: Frock the vote!

March 28, 2012|By Georgia Garvey, RedEye

Squirrelfriends, this is the episode where the ladies are separated from the girls, where the serious contenders and the joke candidates part ways, and where the "not-royalty-ready" and the "crown her ass" queens diverge.

Last weekend, we were all mystified by the departure of walking quote machine Willam. I have decided to release into the universe my burning curiosity about what she did to be eliminated. Serenity now.

When we return to the workroom, some of the queens (cough cough Phi Phi O'Hara cough) are glorying in the departure of Willam.

In fact, they even go so far as to have a party and reenact the elimination, complete with glitter puke and a beard from Phi Phi.

"There is nothing more punk rock than being kicked off," Sharon Needles says.

Can I just say that Miss O'Hara is really making Chicago look bitter? A lot of people didn't like Willam, but Phi Phi has had problems with Sharon, too. What the fudge, lady?

Anyway, for the mini challenge, we get a booze-craft compeition in which the contestants have to make giant plastic stripper shoes inspired by Absolut cocktails.

The winner, with platforms that looked like a Jamba Juice exploded all over them, is Phi Phi (Chicago!).

The main challenge takes a turn for the political, with Ru announcing the candidacy of the ladies for the title of the first drag queen president of the United States.

You guys, these candidates can't possibly be any weirder than some legitimate elected officials out there walking the streets as if they weren't totally batshit insane.

The contestants get to work, settling down to come up with their opening statements and catchprases, and as Phi Phi points out, it does look a lot like a room full of high schoolers agonizing over a particularly tough chem assignment.

The only person not being super-serious is Phi Phi, who apparently spent the entirety of her prep time burping.

At least she says "excuse me."

Phi Phi also announces she took debate in high school and Latrice Royale comments that maybe that's why Phi Phi's so "confrontational." She still argues even when she's wrong, Latrice tells her.

"Bitch, I'm never wrong," Phi Phi says.

"You're wrong right now," Latrice corrects.

Eventually, Ru and guest Dan Savage (Chicago!) enter to whip the candidates into shape. I start to get nervous that the judges are taking this at such face value. Not much in the way of jokes. Thankfully, Sharon's there to lighten the mood.

"Everybody says that till they're down in a poll," Dan Savage says after Sharon promises no negative campaigning.

"But I enjoy being down on a pole," Sharon responds with confidence.

Finally it's time for the actual debate. If I were a QNN reporter, here would be my debate highlights and lowlights:

1. LadyPimp Michaels is goofy, but not any goofier than the people who ran for the California governor job after the Gray Davis recall.

2. As the judges later say, if you come offensive with your jokes, they better be hilarious. It is not funny to call a black person "the help" because the only joke there is that your character is racist. Ha. Ha. Racism is so funny.

3. Michelle Visage's "serious" look entails a cheetah-print suit that shows about 10 inches of cleav, an updo and bedazzled Minnie Pearl eyeglasses.

4. I would like to see the Secret Service take a tip from RPDR on the official uniforms.

5. Sharon Needles could swap out that wig for a blond one and take her political persona to TV news. I would watch that broadcast.

6. Most of the queens took this way too seriously.

Joining Ru in sorbet sweetness for judging this week are Savage, Santino Rice, Visage and Absolut exec Jeffrey Moran.

On the runway, the contestants are tasked with presenting their best Inaugural Ball looks.

Most of them decide not to do that.

The exception is Chad Michaels, who presents first lady realness so accurate it's unbelievable. That COULD BE a president's wife. In fact, is that a president's wife?

Phi Phi sports less of an inaugural look and more of a "third wedding in Las Vegas" bridal gown.

Dida Ritz (Chicago!) offers a classic black dress but hair -- oh, the hair -- that takes the look out of classy and into assy.

Latrice falls flat on the runway again with a Star Jones in pink bustier image that's spoiled even further by a visible bra strap. Dr. Latrice, heal thyself! (Good God girl, get a grip.)

Sharon Needles goes futuristic, saying that since there won't be a drag queen president for 100 years, she went with a 2112 alien-y face and pantyhose dress.

It's stunning but weird, and good enough for the win.

In the bottom land Dida and Latrice, who battles it out like a true gladiatrix during the lip sync for her life. Dida, unfortunately, is sent to sashay away while Latrice gets to shantay stay. Bring it from now on, lady!

See you all next week when the queens make over DILFs into MILFs and an eliminated contestant returns! It better not be Shangela!

...

Here are some of the best quotes from the episode:

"Goodbye shady bearded lady." -- Sharon Needles

"I had all the accesories I needed to convey the plight of the American Indians. Though I wish I had some poker chips." -- Sharon

"You don't want scurvy, you know." -- Chad Michaels, with Ru responding, "No, no, not again. I'll never go through that again."

"Aren't you done? I mean, I took debate for like seven, eight years. And I'm a lawyer." -- Sharon

"I'm going to fit the capitol with an updo. Up. Do." -- Chad Michaels

"I'm from Compton, bitch. I will whup your ass." -- Latrice Royale

"Very Marcus Bachmann, in his dreams" -- Dan Savage, about Chad Michaels' runway look.

"Gorge Bush" -- Ru, on Chad Michaels' look.

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