Have I got an opportunity for you!
I've secured the rights to a 19th century Swedish folk tale that, since it was discovered at the bottom of well by a traveling circus monkey, has been widely regarded as a major predecessor to "Harry Potter."
It features wizards, spells, demons and a teenage love triangle, this time involving a young wizard, a demon who used to be a boy and a beautiful girl who used to be a demon. Together they experience all the highs and lows of adolescence, just with far more confusing terminology and expressions of their love for beef stroganoff. Best of all, director Ron Clements ("Aladdin," "The Little Mermaid") has expressed interest, as long as we can secure Rico Rodriguez ("Modern Family") to star.
That's why we need your help. You're not too young or inexperienced or gullible to break into the movie business. For only $10 (or, hey, $1,000, if you have it lying around), you can be a Hollywood producer.
If you think this is too good to be true, let me assure you it's not.
Much like Disney's $250 million-plus support of "John Carter,"a CGI-heavy spin on a 100-year-old, "Star Wars"-influencing character starring a TV hunk (Taylor Kitsch) and a director (Andrew Stanton of"Finding Nemo") specializing in animation, this is a giant, big-budget movie with a storied past. Therefore, it's guaranteed to be a major Hollywood blockbuster, and totally justifies the $395 million budget my investors/not at all drunken friends and I have calculated.
I know what you're thinking: Why should I take a chance on an unproven TV star and a director who has never before made a live-action feature? Why do we need to spend so much, when solid, successful action movies such as "Mission: Impossible—Ghost Protocol" can be made for less than $150 million?
That's what I was hoping you would ask. The answer: Families will see any family-friendly movie that's advertised enough (does not apply if Eddie Murphy's in it). And we're planning to spend $100 million on one Super Bowl commercial alone!
What's even better is that the story was originally titled "Magic Mike and the Fantastical Wizard Land" but, like "John Carter" being trimmed from "John Carter of Mars," we've simplified the title to "Magic Mike" to make sure people have no reason not to see it. Except, I guess, that "John Carter" doesn't sound like an outer-space adventure, and "Magic Mike" could just be about a magician.
What? "John Carter" made only $30 million last weekend in the U.S.? And "Magic Mike" is the name of the movie about Channing Tatum's experiences as a stripper? Hmm. Maybe this admittedly expensive, obscure project isn't such an airtight idea after all. Good thing it's sure to do mega-bucks in Sweden!
MATT PAIS IS REDEYE'S MOVIE CRITIC. MPAIS@TRIBUNE.COM | @MATTPAIS