Roseann Teresa O'Donnell!
Get your butt in here, young lady. We need to have a serious talk.
Now, missy, what in the h-e-double-hockey-sticks is this?
Imagine my horror at reading in the Huffington Post that you're moving your talk show from Chicago to New York. I have to find out in the Tribune today that your Lakeview house sold after only one day on the market. Can you please explain that?
You just moved here! In October! You've been living in Chicago for barely six months and you already want to move? What kind of person moves to Chicago in winter and leaves before the summer starts? I'm not certain you've given us much of a chance.
I hope you realize that you haven't seen any of the best things the Second City has to offer. Granted, the winter hasn't been that bad and it's already 60 degrees in March. I'm not saying that's normal. But what about Taste of Chicago? Didn't you want to try a giant turkey leg? Can't get one of those until July 11.
You bought your house after the beaches closed in September and before they reopen May 25 for the 2012 season. You won't even make one, half-hearted try to wander around North Avenue beach, explaining to everyone you meet that the reason you're so pale is that it's your first time at the lakefront?
The Pride Parade isn't until June 24. You haven't lived until you've been drunk on Jello shots at noon on a Sunday. Are you telling me Chicago's not even going to get one Pride grand marshal-ing out of you before you rush back to your fancy-pants New York City?
I seem to remember someone begging Oprah for a talk show, promising to take care of it, feed it, walk it and invite good Chicago guests on like Patti Blagojevich to complain about the unfairness of the criminal justice system. And now who's stuck flipping through 400 channels to try to find where OWN is? Chicagoans, that's who.
I also seem to recall a certain "A League of Their Own" star who's not Madonna telling the Tribune about three months ago that, in Chicago, "People come over and say 'I'm so happy you're here,' and, 'Are you enjoying the city?' And if you grew up in New York, you're not used to people being that nice."
Hmmm. I guess "nice" wasn't good enough, eh?
I suppose you'd rather an "exciting" city that's more "rebellious" instead of a "sweet" city you can take home to Mom.
Maybe we don't have the Museum of Modern Art. Maybe our public library doesn't have huge lions in front of it. But we like it just fine.
Yes, the giant Picasso statue does look exactly like a baboon and taking your picture in front of The Bean gets old after a while. And you can only look up Marilyn Monroe's skirt so many times before you start wondering whether her legs are filthy or the artist wanted to make her look like she was in desperate need of a shave.
We're not even good enough to host theG-8anymore, according to the president.
Well, I'm sorry. We're just here, trying to make a nice home for ourselves in the Midwest with our crappy baseball teams and our color-coded train system and our corrupt politicians.
We're doing the best we can.
Now I want you to go back to your luxury hotel room or wherever you're staying until your employees finish packing your stuff up and think. I want you to think long and hard about what you've done. When you're ready to apologize, you can come out.
You hear me?
ggarvey@Tribune.com | @gcgarvey