Bonjourno, squirrelfriends and welcome back for a new episode of the greatest show on television, "RuPaul's Drag Race." When last we saw our fair ladies, they were impersonating celebrities--with varying degrees of success--in the "Snatch Game" episode.
Can anything compare to that wonderful experience?
Maybe something like Spring Break, perhaps?
It's time for a wet T-shirt contest, kids!
In the mini-challenge, RuPaul tasks the queens with offering up their best party girl realness using boob-plates from a company Ru name-checks but one that I will not. (How many places, exactly, are there to get fake breasts for drag queens?) The contestants do their gyrations on stage while they're hosed down. Whoever gets the loudest crowd response wins.
"This is money in the bank," Willam says. "I got this."
Now, even though we see the nipples on the fake breasts earlier, once they're on the queens, they're digitally blurred, sometimes. Why is this? Weird.
Anyway, Phi Phi O'Hara dances her boobs (and her wig) off but Willam goes slutty--in a good way --and wins the challenge.
Cue more bragging from Mr. Humility:
"I won. You know, it's kind of a hobby of mine."
After the queens are all dried out, Ru hands them their main challenge, one inspired by Pride parades. The theme, "hope floats," has to be incorporated into both their outfits and tiny boats. Each of the queens gets one color, handed out by Willam.
Immediately, Jiggly Caliente looks like she might be in trouble. She doesn't like her color, orange, and sort of listlessly wanders around her available material picking at it. Better practice that lip sync song, honeybunches.
While the contestants work, Chad Michaels, Willam and Sharon Needles give everyone a quick history lesson on the Stonewall Riots, which were famously kicked off by a drag queen.
During Ru's walkthrough, Jiggly displays more iffy ideas and Willam quotes Ru's book back to him.
On the other side of the room, Milan, talks over her plan with Ru, who's giving serious raised eyebrows to the idea of making her look retro.
"I wanted to do a flashback to the future," Milan said. Ru reminds her that they're supposed to be making "fashion-forward" outfits.
Our Chicago diva Phi Phi O'Hara gives a little backstory about a difficult childhood, which prompts Ru to offer some inspiration. Overcome!
As the queens continue to toil away, Chad Michaels, Phi Phi and Jiggly all get annoyed at Willam, who's generally thrilled with her look and boat.
"The hardest part of this challenge is not telling everyone else that I'm going to win," Willam says.
Everyone eventually makes their way to the runway, with Jiggly scrambling behind at the last minute. Guest judges Kelly Osbourne and Pauley Perrette join a golden Ru on the main stage.
Down the runway betwixt a gaggle of seamen walk pink flamingo Chad Michaels and Dida Ritz in glittery red harem pants and a VASTLY improved wig (keep it up, girl!).
Jiggly floats her boat in a one-woman parade of orange sadness and Milan's yellow getup screams fourth grade craft project. Sharon Needles goes green as an Irish snake lady and Latrice Royale brings it with a sculpted blue wig and bedazzled lips. Phi Phi's purple alien princess goes well, but it's Willam, who stops her runway walk to drop her blue boat and prance around in her designer denim swimsuit (yep, you read that right), who really impresses.
Willam, naturally, takes top honors and it's a sad Milan and Jiggly who are sent back to lip sync for their lives again.
Alas, Milan has had one too many trips to the bottom and gets sent to sashay away. Jiggly lives to complain another day, warned by Milan on her way out that the others are gunning for her.
See you next week, folks, when the queens become publishing titans.
Here were some of the episode's best quotes:
"You ain't never going to be in West Side Story again. Not even a touring production, bitch." --Willam
"I wouldn't have cried ugly like that." --Willam
"I didn't know Satan could cry." --Jiggly
"It's called Forever 21, not Forever 41." --Jiggly
"Chad, what was it like to be [at the Stonewall Riots]? You were like 29 at the time?" --Sharon
"We're going to have dinner soon. Stop eating the glitter." --Willam, to Jiggly
"Is that Uranus?" (RuPaul) "That is my-ranus!" (Phi Phi)
"How many times did you work with her, Willam?" (Sharon) "Just once." (Willam)
"I have dignity looks and paycheck looks. Dignity is when I will not bend for anyone and I don't care if I make a dollar, I'm doing what I'm doing. Then there's times the electric's about to shut off, so I dress up like Lady Gaga." – Sharon
"The whole 'It Gets Better,' 'love you for you.' Very Saint-Tropez." --Jiggly
"I love that I got to do a Pride challenge. And this is Dolce and Gabbana, so I love it." --Willam