Bacon! (Bill Hogan/Chicago Tribune…)
Please don't pass the bacon.
I've had enough, thanks.
Enough of the drooling "nom nom nom" comments on pics of bacon-laden food, enough of the tickets to Baconfest Chicago 2012 selling out in five minutes and enough of restaurants stuffing bacon in everything from cupcakes to ice cream.
It's enough to put a gal off bacon forever, especially now that CNN has named our fair city the most gluttonous in the country, partially on the strength of the Baconfest craziness.
Now, true, it's been a long road to full-on bacon overload. When I first saw breakfast restaurants such as Walker Bros. putting bacon in pancakes and waffles, I was fine. I mean, you dip the bacon into your syrup sometimes anyway, right?
Bacon-wrapped scallop appetizers at a party? OK, sure. Whatever.
Chocolate-covered bacon started to push the envelope, but I was yet to be inspired to true anti-bacon sentiment. This whole baconmania thing would surely blow over, I assumed.
But then, seemingly overnight, restaurants and grocery stores started to put bacon in and with everything—and I do mean everything.
Baconnaise, bacon salt, bacon popcorn, bacon lollipops, bacon doughnuts and bacon hot sauce: There was no food too humble or too fancy to avoid the porky taint of bacon. We were cramming bacon into things like cheesecake, things that were ALREADY DELICIOUS. People, cheesecake does not need bacon. It does not need anything. It is already cheesecake.
At some fast-food joints, the standard question became, "Do you want bacon on that?" What? On my frosty? No thanks.
Traveling for your bacon is now optional. In San Francisco, there's a bacon food truck (called Bacon Bacon, of course) that delivers bacon to the masses. On your iPhone or Android phone, get a "Baconnection" app that provides you a menu of bacon-adjacent content like bacon recipes and trivia.
It's a veritable bacon explosion. (The "bacon explosion," by the way, is a dish comprising two pounds of sausage and two pounds of bacon, wrapped up together and drowned in barbecue sauce. Who, exactly, would eat the resulting mess is unclear, but no less an authority than the New York Times saw fit to write about it.)
You guys, there is bacon dental floss now. There are bacon-flavored envelopes.
It's not even funny anymore.
It's no passing pig fancy, either. As the Baconfest website tells us, "Bacon was NEVER a 'fad,' and Bacon will NEVER be 'over.' Bacon is FOREVER."
I don't know about you, but that sounds like a challenge to me.
I say the bacon lunacy has gone far enough. It is time for the rational among us, the vegetarians, the Jewish, the health-conscious, the Muslim, the vegan and the people who just plain don't need bacon at every meal seven days a week to rise up and demand that we be heard.
We must seek out the dumb recipes that include bacon where it doesn't belong and rail against the restaurants that weirdly insert bacon into every dish.
Bacon will be returned to its right and proper place, beside two over-easy eggs or occasionally decorating a cheeseburger.
We, the bacon-sane, must not be pushed aside anymore in favor of the slobbering bacon groupies who can't shut up about bacon, who write love poems to bacon, who create websites and books to immortalize their bacon devotion. We must unite to overthrow our bacon overlords.
Our rallying cry:
"Death to bacon!"
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