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Guys always think I'm easy. What gives?

February 22, 2012|Anna Pulley | RedEye's sex columnist

First of all, I have to say I love your articles; they are funny, honest and so helpful! This time, I really need expert help to figure out WHAT'S WRONG WITH ME! Or them. I have a really serious problem. Every guy who I first start to hang out with—I don't know what it's called, flirt or talking or whatever—they all seems so eager to kiss me, and then if they get to that point, they want to have sex! It's not like I live in a "Sex and the City" episode. Having sex would mean we could naturally get closer and have a second date. Whether we have sex or not, the relationship just stops! No texts, or sometimes a few texts, and then if we run into each other it's so awkward.

I don't know if my appearance suggests that I'm very sexual and anyone has a chance, or I suck at kissing or sex, etc. I can't figure it out, and it's been so long! What should I talk about when I'm seeing someone, in order not to make them think I'm easy? Please help me, or at least tell me I'm not the only suffering. Sometimes I just think I'm not the type for those guys, only geeks or unwanted white guys will date Asian girls. Those hot athletic guys won't even look at us. I know it sounds really bad the way I put it, but that's what we get.

—Not Easy

Your letter makes me Adele-sad. This predicament is not about you at all. Or rather, it is, but not in the way you think it is. You need a major mindset overhaul. If you think you only deserve "geeks and unwanted white guys," that's what you'll get. It's a form of settling, and it makes no one happy, least of all you. Don't lower your standards for anyone. I may have missed the last "Hot Athletic Guy" committee meeting, but from the minutes I read, they didn't reach a quorum on excluding an entire race from their prospective dating pools. (They did, however, note that certain loofahs can be totally manly.) I realize that racial politics play a role in everything, including who we date, but it's also a convenient scapegoat that's keeping you trapped in a cycle of self-loathing. If a guy is blowing you off for entirely superficial reasons that you have no control over, then he's not worth dating anyway.

I'm not sure where you fall on the purity-ball-to-Mary-Magdalen scale, but if you want to distance yourself from the "easy" label, don't do anything you feel compromises your integrity. The difference between a slut and a righteous sex goddess is the way they perceive themselves. In other words, do what you want, but makes sure it's what YOU want.

Unless you are showing up to dates wearing a latex Catwoman suit, I doubt your appearance alone is suggesting that you're some kind of wanton sex kitten who gives it up anytime, anywhere. That said, it doesn't hurt to be upfront about what you're looking for right off the bat with new people. If a date is moving too fast for you, then speak up. Tell him you like to take things slow, and if he balks, or tries to guilt-trip you, then put him on the next train to Dumpsville.

The problem could also be where you're meeting these fellas. Certain locales project more of a hook-up vibe, like poorly lit bars, dance parties or Mario Lopez's above-ground swimming pool. Changing your date settings to more wholesome environs will help to set the mood. Go bowling, or on a walking tour, or anything else that occurs in the cold, sometimes-unforgiving light of daytime. Day dates are great because they put the impetus more on getting to know each other, and less on getting to know each other biblically. Plus, they're fun. People don't share enough jellybeans while frolicking in the sunshine anymore, if you ask me—which you did, actually.

To recap, no, you're not alone, but that doesn't get you off the hook. You have to believe you're worthy of the guys you want to date. Now go out there and get the hot, athletic guy(s) you so clearly deserve.

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