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'RuPaul's Drag Race' episode 3 recap: Coffee is for closers


February 14, 2012|By Georgia Garvey | RedEye

We're back, squirrelfriends, for another round of the best show on television, "RuPaul's Drag Race." And this time, we're selling stuff.

Actually, Ru is frequently selling something--which is not quite as good as serving it, I'd expect--and as usual, it's her music that's on the menu.

First, though, we have the mini-challenge, featuring an appearance by a viral video sensation Piyah Martell. The girls pair up and design a headpiece for Piyah to wear in a video and some display far better haberdashery skills than others.

At least Milan can admit when her and Latrice's work isn't up to snuff.

"We failed," Milan tells Ru as their headdress lies on the table limply.

Though my personal favorite was The Princess and Dida Ritz's, it's the team of Jiggly Caliente, Phi Phi O'Hara (Chicago!) and Kenya Michaels who take first prize. As their reward, Phi Phi and Kenya get to be team leaders in the main challenge.

But first, the Pit Crew escorts Piyah out. One of the dudes carrying her litter is wearing see-through underwear, necessitating the blurring of his butt crack. I'm OK with that.

For the main challenge, the queens have to produce, choreograph and star in infomercials for Ru's albums "Champion" and "Glamazon."

OK, now I understand it must have been tough to follow that wrestling challenge, but the premise of this one is a bit thin. When I think "infomercial," I don't really think "iTunes album." And the wink-wink that Ru does whenever she mentions how to buy her songs is cute, but engineering an entire episode around hawking albums strains the charm, methinks.

Anyway, the ladies have to choose their teams in a schoolyard pick, leaving Madame LaQueer last again, much to her annoyance with fellow Puerto Rican Kenya Michaels. I don't understand the reasoning behind that beef, kids. As LaShauwn Beyond might have said, this is not RuPaul's Jingoism Race.

The stress continues as Sharon Needles struggles on Phi Phi's team, which she terms a team of the "busted." Is that season four's "boogers"?

On Kenya's team, Milan steps in to take care of the "language barrier" problem by ordering everyone around and making all of the decisions.

On Ru's walkthrough, she digs and uncovers both Milan's bossiness and the fact that Willam brought 34 pairs of shoes to "Drag Race," which might be more than the number of pairs of shoes I own. Then, Chicago's The Princess comes in for some troubling questioning in which she's told that she hasn't really made an impression so far.

"I think that I haven't been given the opportunity," she says, but Ru quickly responds, "Oh, I don't know about that."


On Phi Phi's team, there's more love until Sharon unintentionally tells Ru that her music is "too dance-y." She backpedals furiously, but there you have it folks. "Ex-squeeze me?" Ru exclaims.


During shooting, there's a Whitney Houston reference that makes me extremely uncomfortable. I don't know if they could have cut it out, but I might have tried.

Things continue to flounder as The Princess flubs her lines and Chad Michaels makes her look terrible by comparison. Things are not looking good for our Chicago diva. I love The Princess! Don't eliminate The Princess!

Kenya Michaels does better by performing a sexual act on some of her props. Sharon doesn't think she did well, but it's really Dida Ritz (Chicago!) who should be worried. Her "Stepford Wife" thing plays about as interestingly as an Amish sex scandal.

The runway is pegged as "platinum and gold" and some of the contestants really show up to impress judges Amber Riley (of "Glee") and Natalie Cole.

Milan serves up '80s Jazzercise chic, Chad Michaels rules in golden-foreheaded glory, Willam goes gladiator stripper and Sharon is a glittery mixture of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. Phi Phi represents Chicago in platinum prom realness, but Madame LaQueer disturbs in Jetson hooker gear. The Princess is gorgeous, but looks like a bald version of Ru's runway look. Yikes. Jiggly's not bad and Dida says she's giving "Naomi Campbell realness." Kenya looks fishy as hell in outer-space glam.

On the top are Sharon Needles, who takes top honors, Chad Michaels and Kenya Michaels.

The in-danger girls are The Princess (no!) and Dida Ritz.

When two Chicago queens face off, I don't know whom to root for, but Dida works it out in the lip sync. Sadly, there's nothing left for The Princess to do but sashay away.

See you next week when the queens get locked up.

Here are some of the episode's best quotes:

"Bitch could sew." --Sharon Needles

"The basis of making a headdress is to make sure that you can actually wear it. We failed." --Milan

 "Puerto Rico feels bad because Madame doing a bad work of RuPaul's Drag Race." --Kenya

 "I have one tur-koiz one. Do you want it?" --Sharon

"These are bones from some sort of ... Roberto Cavalli animal." --Ru, talking about Kenya's leopard-print bones

"So you're making a sexual innuendo there?" --Ru

"There's gold in them thar hills!" --Ru about Latrice Royale.

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