Valentine's Day candy (Getty Images )
Attention, men: It's officially the worst day of the year—the day before Valentine's Day—brought to you exclusively by Hallmark.
Rather than filling your hearts with romantic comedy highlights, Valentine's Day instead opts to send you into cardiac arrest. But no matter how much you hate the holiday, your girlfriend doesn't. In fact, she loves it. She craves it. She needs it—like a newborn needs its mother. Or like the Republicans need a likable candidate.
But I get it. Even though I am a girl, I commiserate with you men out there who see V-day as nothing but a superficial waste of time and money and, consequently, you forget that Feb. 14 is a national holiday of the heart.
With less than 24 hours left until the clock strikes Valentine's Day, I've decided to help you prepare last-minute gifts for your special ladies. Because let's never forget: Relationships are not really about what you want, but about making your significant other happy. Right?
It doesn't matter if it's for your apartment, your bicycle, or your younger sister's diary. Tell her it's a key to your heart and she'll melt into a pool of her own juices. If it worked for Dwight Schrute, and it'll work for you.
A handmade card
Sometimes the smallest effort can come across as really special. Cut out a paper heart, pour some nail polish over it, and finish with a cheesy note (e.g., "You must be from Pearl Harbor, 'cause baby you're the bomb"). Be prepared for a melody of "awwwwwwwwws." Girls are suckers for handcrafted gifts, no matter how lame they are.
To some, this gift idea may seem like petty theft, but you are guaranteed she'll love the gift. Why? Well, it's already hers. Rummage through her drawers and find something she hasn't worn in a while or looks relatively new. (Bonus points if it still has the tags on it!) Wrap it up in a nice box or bag and present it to her. Bashfully tell her, "I hope it's your style." Little does she know—it is.
It's unclear why, but girls love sleeping in their man's boxers. Maybe they make her feel like she's closer to him or that little opening in the front reminds her of sexy time. Whatever the reason, your boxers (used or new) make a perfectly unromantic romantic gift for your lady friend. Wrap them up with a ribbon. Include a thoughtful note that reads: "You look better in these than me."
An empty drawer
This gift is a bit more on the extreme side, but it trumps the others in thoughtfulness and preparation speed. Clear a drawer or free up some closet space for your gal. Tell her that now it's her space to fill, much like how she's filled the empty space in your heart. Once you both stop gagging, she'll actually be really touched by the gesture. Not only does it mean that you want to get serious, but that you're OK with her keeping pads, tampons and other scary girl things in your house. (Note: This gift idea works only for couples who are not living together.)
JEN KIM IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.