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Jessica's 'Jersey Shore' recap: JWoww's mind bleeping

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February 10, 2012|By Jessica Cantarelli, RedEye

Episode 6 of "Jersey Shore Season 5" featured the essential combination to a good episode in an otherwise catastrophic season: less Situation, more Meatballs and JWoww emoting with her plastic surgery face.

The episode begins with Situation on the phone with his boy Unit, who unfortunately is in Miami with Mark (omg is Unit CHEATING on the Situation?), so the abberific duo cannot bust the lid on Snooki to G-Yanni.

The phone call quickly turns to a conversation about two characters we have not met: Deena's sister and Situation's brother, who apparently went on a date and did a bunch of things that were bleeped out for the next five minutes. And don't ask me what they were talking about--for being as fluent in bleep as I've become through years of offensive Reality TV-watching, I could not, for the life of me, figure out what they were talking about.

Out on the deck, Mama JWoww is simultaneously chain-smoking and mind bleeping herself over boyfriend troubles.  The gang heads out to Aztec, aka Sweat Box according to Vin, for fist pumping and binge drinking. JWoww is in such a funk from all the mind bleeping that she can barely do the robot, and Vin is chatting up a DTF who is a 5/6 on the looks scale. He pawns her off to Deena while he gets to know another DTF who turns out to be a lesbian. Turns out she's not DTF after all. Sadface. At least the other DTF is, thanks to wingman Deena.

A drunken Snooki wakes up early the next morning telling the camera that she needs a therapist and an AA meeting. Naturally, producers turn that into humor, showing Snickas falling out of a hammock while saying "Jesus take the wheel."

A few hours later, the duck phone rings. It's Papa JWoww, Roger, calling to say he's not going to be able to make it over for a date night. Bad timing, Rog. A roided-up JWoww is fed up with his excuses and chews him out royally for not putting her first. Like any abusive partner, he uses that as an excuse to chew her out. This means war.

Meanwhile, the Meatballs and Pauly D. head to the Shore Store for work. Like any person who doesn't need a job making T-shirts when you have a hit television show, they run out of the store and head straight to the bar. Boss Danny gets his faux hawk in a twist and hunts them down to bring them back to work, only for them to befriend a Jersey-style bachelorette who needs a stiff drink.

Situation is sleeping for 90 percent of the episode, and Pauly D. notices that he keeps seeing the same girl outside the store and on the boardwalk. Obviously this means she's a stalker. Later on, when he meets up for a game of pool with Vin, he sees the stawkah at the bar, and introduces himself. It's not as good as one would hope, so I guess that's the end of that storyline.

Cut to Team Meatballs, who are dancing a fool in a boardwalk bar, waving their hair extensions all over the place. JWoww joins them and seems to be in better spirits.

The next morning, a hung-over Deena realizes the error of her alcoholism. Working at the Shore Store an hour a week is the best job she's ever had, and she really disrespected Danny by doing the dip during work to get her drink on. She calls boss Danny to apologize, but he doesn't want to hear it.  She'll have to do better than that.

During Sunday dinner, the date between Situation's brother Frankie and Deena's sister Joanie comes up. Then, Situation and Deena start to giggle about how they might become in-laws if the two get married. Apparently they don't know how it works, because if that did happen, they would not be related whatsoever.

Mike misses his boyfriend Unit, so he gets him back on the phone to find out more gossip about Frankie and Joanie. As soon as he hangs up, the phone rings. It sounds exactly like a 54-year-old chain smoking leather lady. It's Joanie, Deena's sister, who gets nothing but glowing reviews about her date with Frankie from Situation.

During GTL the next day, Vin and Pauly D. run into Roger at the G. Roger unloads all his boring relationship drama on the guys, and they relay that to JWoww, who sucks up her pride and apologizes to her boyfriend for his neglecting her. Roger uses the opportunity to rip her a new ya-know-what and that's the cliffhanger we're left with for another six days. 

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