Well, maybe one person in Chicago looks miserable. (US Presswire )
I'd like to toast the Second City for snatching sixth place on Forbes magazine's list of most miserable cities in the U.S.
Up one spot from No. 7 since last year. Congrats, everyone! Nice work! Gotta give it up for Chicago!
We're miserable? So what!? Hell, say it loud and say it proud! Can someone get me a bottle of 312 up in here, 'cause I am so gonna drink to that!
OK fine, so our spring lasts about five minutes and our winters go on for about 15 months, plunging us into temperatures so cold they make you wanna cry—like real, begging-for-death kind of crying. Yes, we have massive traffic congestion, potholes, parking tickets, tolls, high murder rates, gang crime, political corruption, long commutes, unemployment problems and the highest sales tax rate in the country. Blah, blah, blah. Whatever. Fine. Miserable.
That's only one ranking.
Let us not forget that in 2006, Men's Fitness gave us the title of fattest U.S. city (sausage, anyone?), but it looks like we've lost weight since then. This year we made it to lucky No. 14 on the Travel + Leisure rudest city rankings. (Congrats to rude New Yorkers for pushing their way to first place! Just goes to show that hard work truly pays off.) And just last week, a story posted on fark.com listed four Chicago neighborhoods among the country's 25 most dangerous. Props. To. Us.
Which city besides Chicago would have scored No. 4 on GQ's worst-dressed list last year? Oh, so you like to wear jackets, fleece and down coats? Good, 'cause you'll need at least seven of 'em to live here. We're just fashionable like that. And guess who holds the title for the most mustache-friendly city? Oh yeah, this city right here, baby!
Here's the thing: If by "miserable" Forbes means we still eat a hot dog that fell into traffic while hustling from the train to the bus stop (utilizing the 5-second rule because our streets are damn clean), then yeah, we're miserable.
If by miserable they mean the city is electric when there's a big game (and yeah, Jay Cutler does kinda look miserable all the time), then fine. We're miserable.
And if by miserable they mean we don't have to deal with threatening floods, wildfires, earthquakes and other natural disasters and instead have the beauty of a glimmering lake, street fests, beaches, boats, skyline, sunrises and sunsets along an 18.5-mile lakefront, then yeah, life here is just pure misery.
So if this is one of the worst cities in the country, then fingers crossed that next year we earn the No. 1 spot for being the most miserable. Let the rest of the country think Chicago and its surrounding areas are terrible. After all, we're just looking out for No. 1.
Plus, no one from Forbes even bothered to interview me for the story.
DORIS DADAYAN IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.