Hello, squirrelfriends! We're back again to break down the best show on television, "RuPaul's Drag Race."Last week, all the queens (except for Alisa Summers) survived the Rupocalypse.
This week, the mini-challenge forces our girls to design awesome butts out of padding. They only have 30 minutes to make an ass, which apparently is not even close to enough time.
Jiggly Caliente serves up some "cellulite realness" with packing peanuts and Madame LaQueer has a head sticking out of her posterior. Not sure what the subtext is with that one.
Phi Phi O'Hara, Willam and Chad Michaels win the competition and have to lead teams of four queens in transforming themselves into "luscious lady fighters" for the WTF. There will be "faces," good girls, and "heels," bad girls, in their wrestling performances.
The contestants have to go full-bore into the wrestling world, developing backstory, looks, costume, moves and such. Willam, as always, is confident.
"I got my ass kicked on every major network," he says.
Practice goes rough, with the queens sweating and hitting each other like mad. "Fall, bitch!" Kenya says as she slaps LaShauwn Beyond. Is Madame LaQueer laughing or crying during practice? Maybe it's a little bit of both.
We also start getting LaShauwn backstory, which I immediately take as a bad sign.
The guest judges are ex-NBA stars Rick Fox and John Salley, which pleases both Willam (who promises to tuck "extra tight") and Milan.
The wrestling competition turns out to be intense and way more entertaining than this non-wrestling-fan would have expected. The queens do battle in a ring surrounded with sign-waving fans and a judges' table to the side and throw themselves into the fight, literally and figuratively.
The teams are:
Team Phi Phi is made up of LA's Finest vs. The Bitter Betties. Latrice and Kenya killed it as the bad girls. Plus, LaShauwn and Phi Phi (one of our Chicago queens) had great personas with blond hair, mirrors and vain, cheesy phrases. The interaction between Phi Phi and Kenya was fantastic, with Kenya using a powder puff to put a beatdown on Phi Phi.
Team Willam is DWF'd vs. Thunder Booties. Willam calls Jiggly a "plus-size Jujubee" but Jiggly does a great job. On the other hand, our other Chicago star The Princess is so sedate she's almost anesthetized. Chad is really serving up some Gemma Morrow from "Sons of Anarchy" realness, though.
Team Chad is The Knockouts vs. The Bitch Kickers. The backstory is pretty grody, with the rivalry being spawned by what looks like a case of crabs. The four of them go to town. "All right, Kirstie Alley before 'Dancing With The Stars,'" Sharon said to Madame before attacking.
As the queens get ready for the runway, we get more LaShauwn backstory. The storm clouds are gathering, my friends.
There's a sweet moment, though, where Sharon Needles comforts a crying Chad Michaels:
"We're selfish, vain creatures of beauty and isn't it bizarre how we make the best friends in the world?" she says. Awww.
Ru hits the runway, themed as "best girly-girl attire," resplendent in Fruit Stripe gum couture. The ladies acquit themselves as follows:
- Kenya Michaels in a blond wig and hot-pink tutu is Lil' Kim, but prettier. And classier.
- LaShauwn Beyond has a bubble gum outfit and carries a gumball machine. It's a bit literal.
- Sharon Needles goes way more super-pretty and sweet than normal.
- Jiggly Caliente can best be described by this judge's comment: "Kimora Lee Simmons has put on some weight."
- Milan goes frilly lingerie and gets flirty with John Salley.
- Madame LaQueer looks like a blond Delta Burke, sweet in blue fluffy skirt.
- Dida Ritz unfortunately continues to wear that blond wig. Yikes.
- Chad Michaels serves an aging Paris Hilton in white cowboy boots.
- The Princess rocks pink punk with a redheaded blowout. Basically, Reba McEntire in a wind tunnel.
- Phi Phi O'Hara: Beautiful animal-print J-Lo outfit. They say she's wearing too much makeup, but I say that bitch is beautiful and I don't care how much makeup she had to put on to get that way.
- Latrice Royale offers up a dead ringer for pre-weight-loss Star Jones. I mean, seriously. Twins.
- Willam reminds me of a Barbie I owned in 1984 who had a jeans-and-pink-fluff outfit that I loved with a white-hot passion. So I am a bit partial to Willam's look.
Judging commences, with the folks saying Willam's "smarmy" and may have an attitude problem. Hello, that's why we like him! Billy B doesn't like my boyfriend The Princess' hair but Rick Fox defends him. Billy gets bitchy with Rick, for some reason. Phi Phi gets flack for the makeup. Again, I don't care!
"Not athletic" Madame LaQueer and Chad "Cher" Michaels win the competition, and deservedly so. Forced to lip-sync for their lives are the Princess (no!!!) and LaShauwn Beyond. LaShauwn has to sashay away, leaving our Chicago triumverate intact. Hooray!