Super ridiculous predictions before the big game

January 30, 2012|By Alex Quigley, For RedEye

You'll read and hear a lot of Super Bowl XLVI predictions this week, many from sources that don't cover football 51 weeks a year.

"Kelly Ripa breaks down Brady versus Manning!"

"Perez Hilton tells you why the G-Men will cover the spread!"

You'll hit your saturation point right about … now.

Forget the game for a moment. Imma predict what happens leading up to--and after--the Superb Owl.

Tuesday: It's Media Day, so two things are certain: There will be a busty Latina reporter in a tube top asking inane questions in broken English and someone from"The Tonight Show with Jay Leno" will be exceedingly unfunny.

Wednesday: For about 30 minutes shortly after lunch, both teams will hold their only actual football practices of the week.

Thursday: Bob Costas will lend insight, gravitas, and intelligence to the pregame hype with his new two-hour show on NBC Sports (formerly Versus). It will be followed by the best of "Ow, My Balls!"

Friday: Spike TV will broadcast a full-length "Madden 2012" simulation of the game, complete with commentary from Gus Johnson and Cris Collinsworth. Not to be outdone, the History Channel will devote one hour to a Tecmo Bowl simulation called by Pat Summerall and John Madden. Turner Classic Movies will follow suit with an eight-hour electric football game simulation somehow featuring Howard Cosell and Don Meredith.

Saturday: Nicki Minaj will wonder why Madonna asked her to do "one final rehearsal" in the dank, musty catacombs 13 floors beneath Lucas Oil Stadium. She will never be seen again. Critics will say of Madonna's halftime show performance that she "looked 20 years younger, like she's been infused with new, youthful energy."

Sunday morning: 22 million people will pray for a Patriots victory. Another 24 million do the same for the Giants. 724 hardcore Packers fans will drive down to Indy "just in case."

Sunday, 9:20 p.m.: Eli Manning wins a Super Bowl in older brother Peyton's home stadium. Peyton attacks Eli with a cleaver during the on-field celebration, screaming "CUT THAT MEAT! CUT THAT MEEEEEAAAAAAAT!"

Alex Quigley can be heard on 720 WGN Radio.

RedEye Chicago Articles