It's that time of year again, and I'd like to ask a serious question, folks. Why do countless Americans create half-assed reasons to root for one of the teams playing in the Super Bowl? ("Uh, my uncle lived in New Jersey for a few years, and he always wore a Giants hat ...") Lucky for you, I've got a quick breakdown of real reasons why you should root for either the Patriots or the Giants.
Patriots: Look at it this way: They actually represent what America is like these days. Completely ruthless and ruled by a conglomerate of rich dudes and a guy who dresses like a complete slob. The main players? A Michigan Man with "One Tree Hill" hair who bangs supermodels and wears Uggs because he can (Brady), a short guy with a chip on his shoulder (Welker) and their frat buddy who only answers to "Gronk." I half expect him to yell "O'Doyle RULES!" every time he scores. The New England Patriots are the real America's team, for better or for worse. Also, they beat Tim Tebow all the way back to Damascus, which should be reason alone to support them.