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Bears should make their Marc

January 19, 2012|By Bag Boy, For RedEye

Ciao, Lovie!

At this point, I'm rooting for the Bears to fail.

And they will too. They don't disappoint.

I see the Raiders want to talk to Mike Tice. Mike, if you get a shot here, take it. Run away. Far away.

I hear we're going to be featuring tight ends in the offense again next year. Oh, that's nice. Good thing we traded Greg Olsen.

Back to that drawing board.

Let's handicap the GM candidates while we're at it.

>> Tim Ruskell. Weak, feeble, harmless. He'll therefore be the favorite to win the job.

>> Marc Ross. Head of college scouting for the Giants and my personal favorite. Why? Anyone who can draft like that and beat the Packers is my guy. Hey, please bring Tom Coughlin with you. Thanks.

>> Phil Emery. Chiefs director of college scouting. Name me one of his great draft picks. I'll wait. … I'm still waiting. OK. Point made. An advantage for him: He was hired by Mark Hatley and retained by Jerry Angelo, so he absolutely thrives in environments of mediocrity. We'll take him!

>> Jimmy Raye. Chargers pro personnel director. Again, can't name a single pick he's made.

>> Jason Licht. Patriots director of pro personnel. Um, don't bring Bill Belichick's guys without Belichick.

The bottom line: It looks like the real GM here is going to be Lovie Smith. Lovie reminds me of the Italian cruise ship captain. Of course he'll find a lifeboat.

I'll take the Giants guy. He comes the closest to what we need.

In the meantime, we just had the Cubs Convention. I know this because I saw overweight dudes wearing shorts and Cubs jerseys walking around town. I'm not kidding.

Looks like Theo Epstein was a big hit. Good. What I liked the most: The new seats in right field. Reminds me of the Green Monster. And an electronic scoreboard (wow!). Now we can track important things like outs, balls, strikes, the inning, who's up. It's like it's the 1980s or something. You know I have a JumboTron joke here somewhere … forget it.

Now comes compensation for taking Theo from Boston. Whomever they want, give them to him. Why? Whomever the Cubs picked before Theo is bound to be worthless.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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