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Yes, Virginia: Bears should go old-school for new GM

Bears should go old-school—make that old, old-school—for new GM

January 12, 2012|By Bag Boy, For RedEye

I think I found the right person to lead the Bears.

This is a statement hire. It speaks volumes about taking ownership of the problem and meeting it head-on.

She's been here the whole time, people. I'm advocating that Virginia Halas McCaskey come down/step up and take over as Bears general manager. Yes, follow the Jerry Jones-Dallas Cowboy model.

In the first year alone, I see the following happening.

>> New sideline mascot: A live Bear.

>> The Bears win the Super Bowl and two weeks later take on the college all stars.

>> Concession stands sell hats, jerseys and war bonds.

>> Every year the team adopts a cause to rally behind. In 2012, it's making sure women have the right to vote.

>> Game-by-game contracts. Actually, that's a good idea.

>> She keeps calling Dallas to see if they would be interested in trading Mike Ditka back here.

>> In honor of the '63 championship team, the Bears will play just 12 games next year.

>> Honorary coach: Jack Warden from "Brian's Song." She keeps calling him "Daddy." Also, James Caan and Billy Dee Williams are invited to try out.

>> The scouting department is slashed to just one guy who oversees a coop of carrier pigeons on the roof (this may have already happened).

>> Mandatory team movie night is Friday. Every other week the team will get a treat and get to watch a "talkie."

>> The state-of-the-art weight room in Lake Forest is replaced by a barn filled with hay bales, weighted oak barrels and one large plow.

>> The team MVP for each season gets a Ford Edsel. The same one. They all have to share it.

>> Road games to Green Bay, Detroit, and Buffalo: The team travels by schooner.

>> New team rules: No tattoos. Smoking, however, will be reinstated.

>> Some things are sacred, so she will therefore carry on one sacred tradition: Drafting easily injured offensive lineman.

>> She demolishes the new soldier Field and spends millions of dollars to build … the old Soldier Field.

>> Out: signing bonuses. In: oversized lollipops.

>> Score a touchdown, get one shiny nickel.

>> Training Camp is at Sleepy Willows retirement home.

>> The postgame meal is catered by meals on wheels.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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