I think I found the right person to lead the Bears.
This is a statement hire. It speaks volumes about taking ownership of the problem and meeting it head-on.
She's been here the whole time, people. I'm advocating that Virginia Halas McCaskey come down/step up and take over as Bears general manager. Yes, follow the Jerry Jones-Dallas Cowboy model.
In the first year alone, I see the following happening.
>> New sideline mascot: A live Bear.
>> The Bears win the Super Bowl and two weeks later take on the college all stars.
>> Concession stands sell hats, jerseys and war bonds.
>> Every year the team adopts a cause to rally behind. In 2012, it's making sure women have the right to vote.
>> Game-by-game contracts. Actually, that's a good idea.
>> She keeps calling Dallas to see if they would be interested in trading Mike Ditka back here.
>> In honor of the '63 championship team, the Bears will play just 12 games next year.
>> Honorary coach: Jack Warden from "Brian's Song." She keeps calling him "Daddy." Also, James Caan and Billy Dee Williams are invited to try out.
>> The scouting department is slashed to just one guy who oversees a coop of carrier pigeons on the roof (this may have already happened).
>> Mandatory team movie night is Friday. Every other week the team will get a treat and get to watch a "talkie."
>> The state-of-the-art weight room in Lake Forest is replaced by a barn filled with hay bales, weighted oak barrels and one large plow.
>> The team MVP for each season gets a Ford Edsel. The same one. They all have to share it.
>> Road games to Green Bay, Detroit, and Buffalo: The team travels by schooner.
>> New team rules: No tattoos. Smoking, however, will be reinstated.
>> Some things are sacred, so she will therefore carry on one sacred tradition: Drafting easily injured offensive lineman.
>> She demolishes the new soldier Field and spends millions of dollars to build … the old Soldier Field.
>> Out: signing bonuses. In: oversized lollipops.
>> Score a touchdown, get one shiny nickel.
>> Training Camp is at Sleepy Willows retirement home.
>> The postgame meal is catered by meals on wheels.
Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.