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Bears shake-up didn't go far enough

January 05, 2012|By Bag Boy, For RedEye

Gotta love the Bears.

You don't realize how bad, how messed up, how backward, how impotent and dysfunctional they really are until … they try to fix things.

First off, Ted Phillips, you're next. You've contributed nothing to this fiasco except hiring the loser from Tampa Bay 10 years ago who specialized in losing. And he didn't pick his first head coach--and that was a mess. So, let's do that again.

Secondly, good luck pitching this job to the next GM. Here's how that meeting goes: "So, um, you can't pick your coach, you need to draft every position and start preparing three weeks ago, you need a new offensive coordinator, and the family that owns the team is a bunch of zombies. Also, the coach has to like you enough to let you fire him a year from now."

Sign. Me. Up.

Actually, here's how I'd pitch it: "Come to Chicago! We have the franchise quarterback, now all we need is the franchise!"

It's worth noting as they will botch this up again: This is a second-rate franchise run by inept people. How did this crap end up, in all places, in the birthplace of NFL football? There's a question I'd pose to the football gods when I leave this world (Oh, take me to that next place!).

Update: The team that went 0-16 a few years ago has passed you in talent.

I guess the fact we're not using a search firm is cause for rejoicing. We know enough about the NFL to mess this one up on our own.

So, crystal ball time. Lovie goes in a year, and that's a new head coach and a new coordinator, Cutler's fourth in five years. Let's waste that career some more.

Football hell. We're in it, people. And there's no way out. So, say your thanks for the Bulls and Blackhawks. They work better than aspirin at this point.

And some comic relief always helps. Carlos Zambrano heads to Miami and joins Ozzie Guillen. Oh yeah, that's going to work. Until the first blow-up.

Two words: hurricane season.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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