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20 New Year's Resolutions you can actually stick with

Let's get a little more realistic about these goals, people

January 04, 2012|Ernest Wilkins

1: Go to 3 more concerts than you did last year. Massive fests like Lolla don't count.

2: Learn how to make the following foods: Grilled cheese (well enough so you can do that cool "pull the sandwich apart so you can see that cheese stretch" move), scrambled eggs, a real salad (not just lettuce with a bunch of poorly chopped things in it), fried chicken, side dishes that aren't mashed potatoes and/or green beans/asparagus/peas/anything that comes in a can, you lazy SOB.

3: Do 5 pushups a month. If you can swing more, have at it!

4: Drink differently. If you have a TV bigger than 30 inches, you are hereby not allowed to drink whatever death juice you used to drink in a dorm room with that awful "Haulin' Ass" poster on the wall.

5: Take the year off from the following songs: "Your Love", "Come on Eileen", "Baby Got Back", "Like a Prayer", "My Sharona", "I think we're alone now" "Girls just want to have fun" and their ilk. They've become the audio equivalent of going on an overseas vacation and only eating at McDonalds.

6: Take one cultural phenomenon off. Stop worrying about being left out at the office because you don't know who Kelly Bensimon is. You'll get valuable hours back, you aren't really missing anything and hey! now you have time for the gym.

7: Stole this one from Jaime: "2012 rule is you're not allowed to complain unless you actively work to fix the problem somehow." aka SHUT THE HELL UP ALREADY. Not-so-secret secret: Your friends hate you when you do this and no one ever wants to hang out with you.

8: Start coming to terms with the fact that Facebook won't be around in 7 years.

9: Get a 32 oz. water bottle/old jug/cylindrical device that retains liquid. Fill it twice a day with WATER. None of that Crystal Light BS. Chug-a-lug.

10: Unsubscribe from three daily deals e-mail lists. Use the leftover money you would have blown on that sweater or overrated BYOB place and donate it to KIVA.

11: If you don't have any friends of any other ethnicites, change that.

12: Vote in the 2012 election, but know what the hell a PAC is. Do research. Follow the money. See how it actually works now?

13: Stop saying "we" when referring to a sports team you follow.  Watch this.

14: Read this. Read it again. If it makes you mad, that's the point.

15: Create something using your hands and your hands only.

16: Have at least 4x more sex than you did in 2011.

17: If you're lucky enough to attend a wedding this year, dance your ass off. Sweat. Embarrass yourself.

18: Stop RT'ing Mashable so goddamned much. Replace "Mashable" with whatever LCD content mill dominates your industry.

19: Northeners: Visit the South. Sit down. Drink something cold. Eat something good. Repeat. Southerners: Visit a city in the North. Do the same thing. Actually, just come to Chicago. We'll show you a damn good time.

20: Earn your hangovers.

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