A very terrible Christmas story

December 19, 2011|By Alex Quigley, For RedEye

Christmas night is going to suck.

I don't care if the Bulls beat the Lakers by 30 that afternoon. It doesn't matter if Santa comes down your chimney with Charlize Theron and a PlayStation 4. There's a nationally televised Bears-Packers game that evening, and Chicago will be starting a quarterback that's either 1) Caleb Hanie or 2) a guy bad enough to still be listed behind Caleb Hanie on the depth chart as I write this.

But we'll watch. It's Bears-Packers.

Most of us will have the next day off, and technically the Bears will have playoff life left. So if you're going to suffer four quarters of season-killing misery to cap off the happ-happ-happiest Christmas since Rex Grossman tap-danced with Bernard effin' Berrian, you might as well have fun. Try doing just one of the following, please:

>> Tweak the tint/color settings on the TV until green and gold appear blue and orange-ish. Then place your finger over the horizontal line of the "G" in the Packers logo. Holy crap, these Delusional Bears are kicking ass!

>> If Nathan Enderle enters the game, grab a piece of paper and charcoal and begin sketching your surroundings. You'll want to have a frameable memento that proves you were there the day the NFL died.

>> If you're lucky enough to still be in your fantasy playoffs, cheer obnoxiously for the result of every single play like it just won you $10,000. You'll grow weary in the third quarter. Do not stop.

>> Every time the Bears offense goes three-and-out, drink. Every time they go two-and-out, drink five times. Every time they fumble away a kickoff or punt return, be thankful that they simply cut out the middleman.

>> If Roy Williams makes the first-down signal at any time during the contest, tweet something about how much you hate when he does that. That'll show him!

>> Whenever an obese, shirtless Packers fan is shown in the stands, chuckle to yourself before realizing that after President Obama, the celeb that's most identified nationally with the Bears is Jim Belushi.

>> If you're watching with Packers fans, remind them that they lost to Kansas City. They'll say it doesn't matter, but trust me: They're crying on the inside.

Merry Christmas?

Alex Quigley can be heard on 720 WGN Radio.

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