I'm filling out some Christmas cards here; I thought I'd share them with you. Just some warm wishes to some of Chicago's movers and shakers.
Dear Jerry Angelo,
God, you're awful. I hope you retire in 2012 and move someplace warm. Seriously dude, injuries exposed you for the sham you are. No backup QB, none. The offensive line always breaks down and we know about the receivers. Please, retire now before they (me) run you out of town. Hint: It's already happening. Just FYI for your next career as a consultant, there is a reason guys like Marion barber and Roy Williams become available. It's because they're not consistent performers. You don't know anything no one else does!
P.S. Did you know that with even an average QB we would still be in the playoff mix? Instead, you went for hideous. Costly.
Dear Tim Tebow,
That was not a miracle. The only miracle is that Marion Barber and Caleb Hanie are in the NFL.
Dear Richard Hamilton,
Welcome. Glad you're here. 6-foot-6, you know how to score. I love it. Derrick Rose loves it. You're a good teammate. You're known as "Rip". What's not to like?
You're almost 34. That's what. Typical Chicago signing. A few years past your prime. We'll make do, would rather have Dwight Howard. Christmas is nice here. January still blows.
Dear Theo Epstein,
I hope your first Christmas in Chicago is quite special. But seriously, Tim Wakefield and Jason Varitek? Just bringing over the same old dudes. No creative thinking. Hmm. Why don't you see if Jim Rice and Freddy Lynn are available? Come on, man. Amaze me.
Dear Carlos Zambrano,
Happy blah blah. I read you were climbing mountains and running beaches to prepare for the season. Great. It's not the body, my man. I'm thinking yoga, meditation and some good old fashioned therapy will work. Something's ticking in there, besides the bomb I mean.
Dear Ricketts family,
Bought yourself some land outside Wrigley. Nice gift. Please keep focused on the inside of the park. Thanks.
Dear Chicago fans,
I heard about your awful 2011. 2012 should be much better, though I seriously doubt it. No one is any better. Oh well.
Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.