Hi there. I'm here today to talk to you about a new STD. It's very serious and very gross. It's called "Virgin Diaries."
If you are a person with eyes, a semi-functional brain and nothing to do on a Sunday evening, you may have already been infected with this dangerously unsexy virus.
What is it?
"Virgin Diaries" is a reality TV special centered on the lives of adult virgins.
The special—which premiered last week—seems benign at first. You meet somewhat socially awkward virgins who, for various reasons, have not participated in sexy times.
Some of them have never even been kissed. Which is not all that surprising, considering most of these characters have about as much sex appeal as a genital wart.
Viewers follow the lives of these sexual novices as they embark on their first-time experiences and candidly discuss why and how they came to lead such chaste lives.
Much of the content is shudder-worthy—the gamut runs from chewy kisses to awkward first dates to flagrant messages of self-righteousness (e.g., virginity is purity).
How common is this new STD?
So far, there has been only one known breakout, and it was contained to basic cable. Beware of reruns. And if the casting call on TLC's website is any indication, more breakouts are extremely likely
How do people get it?
It spreads via media-to-individual contact. Also, word of mouth.
What are the symptoms?
Mild-to-severe discomfort, frequent cringing, possible vomiting and/or crying and temporary blindness. In extreme cases: the desire to stab one's own eyes out also may occur. Some viewers also may experience uncontrollable fits of laughter.
What complications can result if gone untreated?
Complications will vary. Some sexually active viewers may experience hypercritical prejudice against virgins and/or abstinence-only organizations. Other long-term effects may include violent nausea, depression and fatigue and a significant drop in sex drive.
For virgin viewers, feelings of inadequacy, shame and humiliation may surface. Emotions such as confusion, anger and fury also are not uncommon.
When disease is in aggravated or overflow stage, all viewers may experience sudden desire to watch "Jersey Shore" or "Toddlers & Tiaras" for more palatable and quality programming.
What is the treatment?
Treatments vary. Common cures: Turn off the TV. Have lots of safe sex (with a loved one). Or, if you're not ready for that, make out with someone or practice on fruit. Remind yourself that your self-worth—nor anyone else's self-worth—is or should be determined by your sexual status.
Make a pledge never to discuss your sex life on national TV.
Write a letter to your congressman declaring that like makeout sessions, bikini waxes and farts, the first time (and subsequent times) are private events that should be shared only between the participants. They are not communal educational experiences to be broadcast on TLC. Stop watching TLC—unless you want to learn how to exploit people's weakness and watch "real" train wrecks unfold.
In two to three days, you should regain your eyesight and full control of your bodily functions.
JEN KIM IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.