When I spry young pup, my momma used to carry me around by the scruff of my neck. For those of you not familiar with canine behavior, that's totally normal. Loving, even.
Why do I bring this up in a column where I'm supposed to predict the weekend's NFL action and challenge you to beat me?
Neckbeard, of course.
Former Bear Kyle Orton is back in town, and he's likely to play against the his former team Sunday when the Kansas City Chiefs visit Soldier Field. He's not the starter, but don't worry, he'll be in. Chiefs starting quarterback Tyler Palko is terrible.
Lucky for the Bears, too, because they need this game to keep their playoff hopes alive with Denver and Green Bay looming. There really is no chance the Chiefs can compete with the Bears at home.
A win this week is great, but the Bears will need some help from other teams to help pave their way to the playoffs. Will they get it?
Here now, my NFL picks.
Bears vs. Kansas City, noon Sunday, CBS
Caleb Hanie has the friendly fans at Soldier Field to support him in his second start in place of injured Jay Cutler. Things get ugly, though, when fans start chanting for Donovan McNabb after Hanie's third interception of the game. Who needs enemies with "fans" like these …
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Bears 19, Chiefs 10
N.Y. Giants vs. Green Bay, 3:15 p.m. Fox
You fantasy football nerds should like this high-scoring affair. Bears fans should too. Why, you ask? Because the Giants are one of the teams in the mix to get an NFC wild-card playoff spot, just like the Bears. So, yay Green Bay. I just threw up in my mouth a little.
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Packers 38, Giants 31
New Orleans vs. Detroit, 7:15 p.m. NBC
Another fantasy explosion. And another early Bears Christmas present. Like the Giants, the Lions are fighting with the Bears for that NFC wild-card spot, and this loss will haunt Detroit. Kind of like that Taco Bell I had last night is haunting me right now. Sorry, TMI. Move along …
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Saints 41, Lions 28
Houston vs. Atlanta, noon
This is where the Bears good luck runs out. The Bears want the Falcons to lose, and at first glance this road game against the 8-3 Texans looks like a tough one for Atlanta. But, the Texans are down to their third-string quarterback, T.J. Yates. That's a problem Bears fans can sympathize with.
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Falcons 27, Texans 23
Here now, the rest of my picks. Lightning-round-style.
>> Tennessee 20, Buffalo 17
>> Oakland 24, Miami 13
>> Denver 19, Minnesota 10
>> New England 44, Indianapolis 16
>> Pittsburgh 28, Cincinnati 21
>> Tampa Bay 23, Carolina 14
>> Washington 17, N.Y. Jets 12
>> Baltimore 27, Cleveland 17
>> Dallas 34, Arizona 20
>> San Francisco 30, St. Louis 9
>> San Diego 24, Jacksonville 19
Think you can do a better job of predicting the results of an NFL game than Whizzer? Pick a game, any game, and with the keyword "whizzer." Include you name so he can give you a shoutout in Monday's RedEye.