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Here's what Theo's metrics get you

December 01, 2011|By Bag Boy, For RedEye

I think I've got this sabermetrics thing figured out. I'm on to Theo Epstein and Jed Hoyer. After analyzing charts of data, tendencies, numerous situations, probabilities, outcomes, statistics, the Cubs have figured out they need to go after Prince Fielder and/or Albert Pujols.

Well, duh.

I could have told you that. Geniuses, I'll tell ya. If they're so smart, how come David DeJesus is a Cub? Guy hit less than .250 last year. I want to see his metrics.

You know, watching these guys go after the big boys, I suddenly remembered something about the Boston Red Sox. They spent about a billion dollars for megastars, and that probably helped as much as the metric system.

So, don't fall in love with these guys and their magical formulas. There are none. Go find the best guys and pay them the GDP of a small country to come here.

Speaking of GDP, we celebrate the return of thuggery and underachievement to our culture as good news: the NBA is back!

Yes, Christmas Day. Can't think of a better way to celebrate the birth of our savior than to watch some primadonnas hit the hardwood. Count. Me. In.

I give the NBA credit. They're starting to figure it out. A Christmas start isn't bad, but the ideal would be to just have the season start with the playoffs. Everybody makes it, the whole season is a postseason, and you're done with the whole mess in 12 weeks. Everyone would love that.

Everyone I suppose loves their Big Ten championship game this Saturday. Everyone except me, and I went to one of the schools. Which one? The big one. With the party school rap. Ooops.

Anyway, count me out. There's something about "Big Ten" and "Domes" that don't mix. I need outdoors, gras, and tailgating. No thanks.

I also need good football. Caleb Hanie, you get a pass. It's not all your fault. Martzy not so smartzy, but the honeymoon is over. We need you to play to full potential: average.

Because Jay's not coming back. And, he's engaged! Again!

Heal up soon, Jay. Your fiance needs you. So do we.

Bag Boy is a RedEye special contributor.

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