Dear Jay Cutler,
It was recently brought to my attention that you might have read a column I wrote earlier this year. And to pretty much everyone alive's amazement, you acknowledged it, tweeting it was "completely false" and subsequently blocking RedEye on Twitter.
I never meant to hurt you. It was satire. Like Mark Twain books, Herman Cain and reality TV. It wasn't real. It was a joke. And frankly, you blocking RedEye over my column is funnier than anything I've ever written. So touché, Jay. I said touché. Just making sure you read it right.
So let me be the first to apologize. I'm sorry, Jay. I didn't mean for my column to offend you.
I admit, I didn't receive $200 to teach you how to play quarterback last summer. I would have done it for much, much less. Really, just an air-conditioned room would have worked. Furthermore, your quarterback rating this year is even slightly above average. I would be wrong to take credit for that type of improvement.
Tomorrow is Thanksgiving. Think of the Pilgrims and Native Americans, Jay. If they could come together to put away their differences and share in the struggle of the New World for one night, maybe the starting quarterback for the Chicago Bears and a free daily commuter paper can find a way to achieve social media unity as well. I think there's an entire Charlie Brown special just about this very scenario. Maybe you can even find it in your heart to let us follow your retweets of random fans begging you for one. It would mean a lot. That's all I'm asking.
To clear the air once and for all, we've never hung out. We've never even talked before. And I certainly didn't teach you how to play quarterback better.
Because if I did, I would have taught you to not break your thumb at the most important part of the season.
Scott Bolohan is a RedEye special contributor.