There's an old saying that goes something like this: "You can't keep a good dog down."
Actually, that's a lie. But that's what it should be.
Do not adjust your glasses or your monitor, folks, what you are seeing is indeed real. I'm back.
After a couple of months shooting films in Hollywood, I have returned to Chicago and my RedEye roots. Actually, that's a lie too. The Hollywood part, not the RedEye part.
And I'm back to doing what I do best. Predicting sporting events. And I'm still doing it better than you. (You can challenge me. Details below.)
I know you all want to read more of my golden words—and I'd love to keep writing--but we must get to the matter at hand.
Here now, my NFL picks.
Bears vs. San Diego, 3:15 p.m. CBS
If you're a Bears fan, this game scares you. Actually, if you're a Bears fan, every game scares you because, well, the Bears play in Chicago. The Chargers have all the makings of a great football team except the results. Thankfully, they won't figure it out this week.
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Bears 28, Chargers 13
Tampa Bay at Green Bay, noon Fox
I don't want to scare anybody, but the Packers good. I mean, really good. Really, really good. Really, really, reall … OK, I'll stop there. I'm actually scaring myself. Aaron Rodgers is playing like a combination of Tom Brady and Peyton Manning at their bests. And the Pack's D is nasty.
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Packers 40, Buccaneers 17
Cincinnati at Baltimore, noon CBS
Cedric Benson and his merry band of Bengals are actually decent this season. In fact, their matchup against the Ravens is a battle for second in the AFC North. Bears fans won't be surprised to hear Benson is racking up yardage but few scores this season. He actually has just one more touchdown (2) than he does suspensions. Boom. Roasted.
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Ravens 24, Bengals 20.
Carolina at Detroit, noon
The Dirty Lions get the benefit of home cookin' this week, so look for them to actually tear the limbs off some Panthers and not even draw a flag. All right, I'm being a little rough on them. They'll probably just beat the crap out of the Panthers—on the scoreboard. Excuse me while I go take a shower after picking a member of the feline family.
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Lions 33, Panthers 21
Tennessee at Atlanta, 3:15 p.m.
Bears fans, you'll be rooting for the Titans. That's because the Falcons could be in the wild-card mix with the Bears at the end of the season, so the more losses for them, the better. Unfortunately, the Falcons are the much better team. And have much cooler uniforms, let's be honest.
WHIZZER'S PREDICTION: Falcons 27, Titans 14
Here now, the rest of my picks. Lightning-round-style.
>> Oakland at Minnesota: Raiders 30, Vikings 27
>> Buffalo at Miami: Bills 28, Dolphins 24
>> Dallas at Washington: Cowboys 31, Redskins 21
>> Jacksonville at Cleveland: Browns 17, Jaguars 10
>> Seattle at St. Louis: Rams 24, Seahawks 16
>> Arizona at San Francisco: 49ers 27, Cardinals 17
>> Philadelphia at N.Y. Giants: Giants 34, Eagles 30
>> Kansas City at New England: Patriots 40, Chiefs 24
Think you can do a better job of predicting the results of an NFL game than Whizzer? Pick a game, any game, and with the keyword "whizzer" or challenge me on Twitter, @redeyewhizzer.