I would have given my cheesecake of the month membership AND my "Degrassi Junior High" DVD collection to write about Kim Kardashian this week, but another columnist already called dibs, so I had to move on to someone equally annoying.
However, I couldn't think of anyone else that I thought should be euthanized. Then, for no apparent reason, George Clooney popped into my head.
Basing this purely on his public persona, I will say I love George. Conversely, I would never want to date George. I'm sure he's not losing sleep over this. However, his new girlfriend, Stacy Keibler, should be losing sleep over dating the world's most famous serial killer of dreams.
One of Stacy's pals was quoted as saying, "She's just having fun. She's not sure where it's going." Stace, let me tell you exactly where this is going. This is not to say every girl wants to get married and have babies and that I think any girl who isn't promised those things in a relationship should get out. I'm saying history has shown this probably will lead to a breakup. Is he really worth the inevitable heartbreak?
You're going to spend the better part of 2012 vacationing at Lake Cuomo and attending premiere parties that would never be on your C+ celebrity status radar. But right about this time next year when old Georgey Porgey sees you're getting a bit too chummy with Luciana Damon, Matt's wife, and he starts hearing the two of you engage in one too many discussions about potential child rearing, he's going to start distancing himself. He'll begin going to events without you and eventually become so wrapped up in his next political, charitable or film project, that you will be, well, dumped.
And it'll be bad. Not only are you going to be heartbroken to the depths you have never known, your dad's gonna hate you. Never again will he find a more worthy potential son-in-law whom he can consider a best friend. Your friends who have always been less attractive and considered you the girl in their group who could always "get any guy she wanted" will be secretly happy that statement will no longer be true.
And the next girl George picks out of obscurity and thrusts into the limelight will be thrown in your face day in and day out as he walks them down the red carpet for his movie premiere where he plays a man saving the world and he talks to reporters about his documentary where he's saving the world as he's running for president of ... the world.
Good luck look trying to turn a blind eye to the spectacle as you're introducing your parents to your new boyfriend, Tim. From Cleveland. Who works for Pfizer. Incidentally, Pfizer makes drugs for men who want to be just like George Clooney. Yeah. He's everywhere.
Why try heroin just once? I suggest sticking with good old-fashioned dirty martinis and keeping celebrity crushes to realistic goals like Steve Guttenberg. A girl can dream.
KATIE KILLACKY IS A REDEYE SPECIAL CONTRIBUTOR.