Looking for some Kardashian klues

November 03, 2011|By Connie Reyes, For RedEye

"Irreconcilable differences." Those two words appear in Hollywood more often than "wedding anniversary."

Kim Kardashian is the latest culprit to use this phrase in describing why she filed for divorce from her husband of 72 days, Kris Humphries.

Well, I call unfair!

Living on Earth, we are all forcibly exposed to the Kardashian world and provided more information about them than we may care to know. And now, after watching butt X-rays and intimate family feuds, we aren't given so much an explanation as to why she wants a divorce? This is worse than the NBA lockout!

I want the details. I want to know how it got to this point. I want to see snapshots of Kris on his knees pleading for another chance. I want to know what evil words were texted back and forth the day Kim decided to file.

Luckily for the world I was married last month (we're hoping to make it past Christmas!), so I have literally weeks of firsthand insight into what happens after the honeymoon. Taking some of the most common causes for divorce among couples, as listed by illinoisdivorce.com, I've come up with some elaborate theories as to why this couple didn't make it to their (golden?) three-month anniversary.

>>Mental cruelty: Perhaps Kim forced Kris to actually sit down and watch an episode of her show, in which case he should be given full spousal support. More funds should be allocated if episodes of "Khloe & Lamar" were involved.

>>Adultery: Supposedly men with wedding rings are a big turn-on for women. Which is why instead of a ring, I'm trying to get my husband to wear a sign that reads, "My wife will destroy you." But only when he goes out to the bars.

>>Alienation of affection: It's quite common for married couples to lose the passion once the honeymoon is over. However, 72 days is hardly enough time to send out your thank-you notes, let alone have the passion fizzle out. Perhaps Kris came to bed with the trifecta of gross: long toenails, unbrushed teeth and a smelly T-shirt. Grounds for divorce? More like grounds for the death sentence.

>>Physical cruelty: Maybe she knocked him over with her big butt. Did I mention you should be mature before entering into a holy union? Clearly I slipped through the crack. (Heehee … crack.)

>>Drug or alcohol addiction: Clearly Kim was on something when she said "I do." I'm sorry, but am I the only person in the world who thinks this guy looks like his teammates dribbled on his face a few times? You can't say yes to that mug without a couple of pills.

>>Infection with STD: I'm not touching this one. You'll have to go to the footage for more insight.

>>Conviction of a felony: Both should be put away for wasting precious TV time with that circus show of a marriage. Too many clowns, not enough entertainment.

Hopefully these theories will keep you satisfied until E! can air the divorce special. I hear Joe Jonas might make an appearance at the after-party.


RedEye Chicago Articles